As you may imagine, my tolerance, nay appreciation, for flip
flops is quite broad. In fact, I thought
there was no such thing as a bad flip flop.
Until these.
Vionic flip flops.
I found them quite by accident shopping online. Sure, they didn’t look especially cool, and
weren’t super cheap. But in the snippet
of information that pops up as you roll the computer arrow over the photo, there was some reference about arch support and posture.
First, I should tell you that I have worn flip flops
regularly for nearly 20 years. My
chiropractor(s) have reminded me that the feet are the foundation to the body which
is the vessel for the soul. Ok, maybe
they don’t say that exactly. But the
point is, “don’t gripe about your back being out when you walk around in this
crap.”
So when I found a flop with support, I pressed “add to cart”
with the mature enthusiasm of the responsible adult I am slowly becoming.
When they arrived, I opened the box with reserved enthusiasm,
took them to my still-covered pool deck, and tried them on. With great anticipation, I stared at the feet
version of the fanny pack, and then slid them on, silently reminding myself of
all the benefits promised in the blurbs.
The silent cheerleading was quickly overwhelmed by the horrible,
horrible pain shooting through my feet.
The shoes feel like what the sidewalk scene in American History X looks like, or like
standing on a brick sideways. While a
grown boar hog is laying on your toes. The footbed feels like concrete. And the toe-strap feels like fine grit
sandpaper.
“Surely I can get used to it,” I thought.
“Surely they don’t look that bad,” I thought.
“It’ll be worth it in chiropractic savings,” I thought.
But I was wrong, on all counts. I walked the shoes across my carpeted floor
for a foot-eternity, hoping to adjust.
With each lap, the shoes seemed to become more cast-like. Eventually, I felt like FDR on a campaign tour.
Finally I gave up. I
reviewed the website and found no appealing colors. The fit is horrible and the price is no bueno.
But, on the upside, I have finally found my flip flop
line. Or sidewalk as the case may be.
These are on their way back to the store, if you’re looking
for feet fanny packs.
